The Integral Mask
by SkywiseRyoeatsyourMOM
Summary: Skywise and Ryo (mostly Ryo) Trink Arucard into believing that Ryo is Integral. OTHER THINGS HAPPEN TOO!!!
1. STRIP FOR ME!

The thing that you read before you read the fanfic: Hello. ^_^ This is the first Rpfic that Skywise and I did, we just didn't post it first.We don't own Hellsing. Nope nope nope.  
  
The Integral Mask Chapter 1-  
  
Ryo: I wish I was Arucard's master.*sniffle*  
  
Skywise: awwwwwww  
  
Ryo: *wears the mighty Integral Mask* Arucard! Come here!  
  
Skywise: ahahahaha!  
  
Arucard: What now?  
  
Ryo: Dance for me!  
  
Arucard: *sigh* *does a little dance*  
  
Ryo: ^_^ *squee!*  
  
Arucard: That was an odd noise...Are you feeling all right Integral-sama?  
  
Ryo: Uh, yes. Yes I'm fine, Arucard.  
  
Arucard: O_o;;; Ok...  
  
Ryo: Now...what else uh, oh yeah! Recite the ABCs!  
  
Arucard: Uhh...A B C D E F G...H I J K L M N O-  
  
Ryo: *grins* backwards.  
  
Arucard: What?! *grumble* okay..  
  
Seras: Something's not right about Integra-sama, Walter...  
  
Walter: She's going through her period right now, she isn't supposed to act herself.  
  
Arucard: Z Y X W V U T S R Q P O N M L K J I H G F E D C B A.*eye twitch* I'm a confused little vampire ._.  
  
Ryo: Good boy. *pulls the mask up and spits out her gum quickly*  
  
Seras: Look! That's not Integra-sama at all! Its some girl in a mask!  
  
Ryo: No I'm not!  
  
Thing to read at the end of the chapter: *GASP* Seras-chan has discovered that Ryo really isn't Integral-sama! What will happen next?! Will Arucard realize that he's listening to a perverted little 14-year-old girl?! Find out, in chapter 2!! 


	2. The Face Lift

Chapter 2-  
  
Alexander: *suddenly walks in and gropes Arucard*  
  
Arucard: O_O  
  
Ryo: Oh! Yaoi!  
  
Arucard: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Alexander: *has had a face-lift so now he psycho-smiles perpetually*  
  
Ryo: Oh, psycho-rapeness.  
  
Ryo: Come and watch, Seras.^_^  
  
Seras: Okay.^_^  
  
Alexander: *pinches Arucard's ass*  
  
Walter: *sighs* Young people today...  
  
Arucard: *grabs a purse from nowhere and hits Alexander across the face with it*  
  
Alexander: I'm in so much pain, but I can't express it.^_^  
  
Ryo: *claps* *mask falls off completely*  
  
Ryo: O_O  
  
Arucard: O.o  
  
Seras: O_O  
  
Ryo: Uh...  
  
Arucard: ...  
  
Ryo: Sorry! My face fell off!*reattaches the mask*  
  
Seras: She's an imposter! Stuff her in a sack!  
  
Ryo: *gets stuffed in a sack by Walter*  
  
Alexander: *blows in Arucard's ear*  
  
Arucard: *curls up and cries*  
  
Arucard: AHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Arucard: *points at Alexander* FIRE!!!!!!  
  
Alexander: AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Arucard: No....really....FIRE!  
  
Alexander: ^_^ *can't express his pain and fear and gets burned*  
  
Integral: *walks in and sees all the madness* o_o;;  
  
Integral: What the hell is going on in here?!  
  
Arucard: *scratches head* Umm...Hello.  
  
Dead Alexander: ^_^  
  
Ryo: Integral: If you're having an orgy, do that in Arucard's room, not mine!  
  
Ryo: *head pops out of the burlap bag* Hiya!  
  
Arucard: It wasn't an orgy Integra-sama!  
  
Integral: What was it then?!  
  
Arucard: Ummm...It was...  
  
Ryo: *fixes her Integral Mask* I'm the real Integra!  
  
Integral: What?! No you aren't!  
  
Alexander: *regentrates and pinches Arucard's ass again*  
  
Arucard: AHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Seres: Leave my master alone, bad churchie man!  
  
Alexander: *pinches Integral's ass*  
  
Integral: o_o;;; *bitch-slaps Alexander* OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU MANWHORE!  
  
Alexander: *pinches Walter's ass*  
  
Walter: Ooh! You feisty young man you! ^.^  
  
Seras, Integral and Ryo: ......  
  
Alexander: And now you ALL SHALL DIEEEEE  
  
Ryo: NO! Don't pinch my ass!  
  
Something you read at the end of the chapter: Alexander has suddenly appeared and is trying to sexually harass everyone! Ryo's mask has fallen off and her true identity is revealed.! Sorta. Find out what happens in Chapter 3! Go do it now! 


	3. Incognito's Strap On

Arucard: *hides behind Seres* FEED HIM THE CHILD!!!!!  
  
Seras: Uh, right! *picks up Ryo and throws her at Alexander*  
  
Ryo: Hey! That wasn't nice!  
  
Alexander: *catches Ryo*... ^_^...*puts Ryo down and suddenly drops dead*  
  
Seras: Whoo!  
  
Arucard: *stands there with a vile of cyanide* It wasn't me ^_^  
  
Walter: I'm going to miss him...  
  
Ryo: *kicks Walter in the head*  
  
Arucard: Oh for crying out loud....*sticks his head out the window and whistles*  
  
*a random gay man drags Walter out of the room*  
  
Arucard: There.  
  
Seras: YAY!  
  
Ryo: I'm the real Integral, y'know.  
  
Integral: I'm the real Integral!  
  
Ryo: No, I am!  
  
Integral: You're wearing a mask!  
  
Ryo: Nuh uh!  
  
Arucard: *looks at both a bunch of times*  
  
Seras: They both look so much alike, which one do you think is the real one, Master?  
  
Arucard: Neither of them!  
  
Arucard: Thats not Integral! *points to the real one* ITS A MAN!!!! *tries to take off her hair, and when he fails, he looks for...ahem...other signs*  
  
Incognito: AR.KAR.DOO.  
  
Arucard: AYYYEEE!!!  
  
Ryo: Hey, you're inequipped, mister!  
  
Incognito: *blushes*  
  
Arucard: AHAHAHAHA! *points at Incognito* Dickless dickless dickless!  
  
Incognito: And YOU have a dick?!  
  
Arucard: *takes off his pants*  
  
Seras, Ryo, and Integral: Oooh! Aaah!  
  
Alexander: *immediately comes back to life*  
  
Incognito: *sniffles*  
  
Alexander: *breaking all facelift rules* O.O  
  
Arucard: *puts his pants back on* Its ok. You know. I like to help out my fellow vampire. *gives Incognito a strap-on*  
  
Incognito: Aww, thanks man.^_^*puts it on*  
  
Arucard: That was my good deed for the century...  
  
Ryo: Word.  
  
Incognito: I'm gonna show mommy!  
  
Alexander: *pinches Incognito's ass*  
  
Incognito: Oh! Hello there, human thing!  
  
Alexander: Hehe  
  
Incognito: Lookit what Arucard gave me^_^*points to his strap-on*  
  
Alexander: *grabs Incognito by his strap-on and drags him into a closet*  
Incognito: *blushes* Oh, but this is so sudden!  
  
Alexander: *silences him with a big fat smooch, and locks the door*  
  
Integral: ....Remind me to have that closet fumigated....*goes elsewhere*  
  
Seras: *pulls out her Halconnen-thingy gun and shoots the closet*  
  
**BOOM**  
  
Arucard: Very good female officer. *pats Seras's head*  
  
Seras: Thanks, Master. ^_^  
  
Ryo: ...I'm still Integral!  
  
Ryo: Strip for me, Arucard!!  
  
Arucard: *does a sexy dance and rips off his clothes*  
  
Seras & Fake Integral: ^_^  
  
Real Integral: *walks in*  
  
Arucard: *swings nude on the chandelier*  
  
Integra: *looks up at the ceiling* o_o;;; Arucard?! Have you lost your mind?! I swear, I leave for just one second.  
  
Arucard: !!!  
  
Arucard: I....I....INTEGRAL-SAMA??  
  
Integral: Of course. And why are you listening to that girl wearing a mask?  
  
Arucard: Thats....Integral Junior!  
  
Integral: ....*pulls off the mask*  
  
Ryo: ^_^;;;  
  
Thing you read at the end of the chapter: OH NO! Ryo has defiantly been found out! What's going to happen to our beloved heroine?! Find out in chapter 4! 


	4. Public Intoxication

Arucard: *scrambles to get clothes back on*  
  
Seras: ...I TOLD you!  
  
Arucard: Oh...  
  
Ryo: Well, um... ^_^;;;  
  
Arucard: Shouldn't this prove my loyalty in some very odd way? ^^;;;  
  
Integral: Why did you impersonate me to make Arucard strip?!  
  
Ryo: I'm a hentai.  
  
Integra: *quieter, to Ryo* Next time, wait for me to come, THEN order him to strip.  
  
Ryo: Okay.^_^  
  
Arucard: *randomly kills Jan*  
  
Jan: *doesn't die* ^_^  
  
Arucard: DAMMIT!  
  
Jan: fuckity fuck bitch slut!  
  
Jan: ...bitch?  
  
Seras: Gah!*tackles Jan to the ground*  
  
Jan: _ fuckity!  
  
Arucard: *pets his many eyed dog*  
  
Doggy: Ruff! ^_^  
  
Jan: Awww, bitcity fuck bitch.^_^ (translation: Aww, what a cute dog.)  
  
Doggy: *pounce* SLURP!  
  
Jan: Ah! Shit shit bitch fuck shit!  
  
Integral: .....Maybe I should take today off....  
  
Arucard: *paranoidly turns around, since he's traumatized by Alexander's ass-pinching*  
  
Seras: *decides to play a joke on Arucard and pinches his ass*  
  
Arucard: MEEP! *jumps into the ceiling*  
  
Seras: *giggles*  
  
Doggy: *barks the Hellsing theme song*  
  
Jan: ^_^ Shit!  
  
Arucard: *has developed a complex*  
  
Alexander: *randomly appears*  
  
Arucard: DAMN!!  
  
Ryo: *attacks Alexander*  
  
Integral: *has taken the day off. She's off somewhere, relaxing at the beach.*  
  
Drink Guy: Can I get you anything Miss. Hellsing?  
  
Integral: A beer.  
  
Drink Guy: Coming right up! *does the dramatic Baywatch run up to the bar*  
  
Integral: *awaits her beer*  
  
Drink Guy: *returns with the beer* Here you go ^_^  
  
Integral: Thanks! *chugs it*  
  
Drink Guy: It's on the house. You know. The nice face discount.  
  
Integral: *gets all drunk*  
  
Integral: *hic*  
  
Drink Guy: Anything else?  
  
Integral: *hic* *beats up the guy with kung fu*  
  
Drink Guy: X-x *choke* Heeellllppppp......  
  
Integral: *cackles and continues to beat everybody up on the beach*  
  
*The beach now has red sand*  
  
Random Vampy: *walks to the beach, and cries because he thinks he's in heaven*  
  
Integral: *drunken hatred* You! *hic*  
  
Vampy: Me?  
  
Integral: Yesh! *Hic*  
  
Vampy: Ok! ^_^ *runs up to Integra*  
  
Integral: *hic*EAT FIST, HOMIE G!*punches the Vampy in the face*  
  
Vampy: *now has a bowl-shaped face* OUCHIE  
  
Integral: *runs back to Hellsing Institute* Arucard! *hic*  
  
Arucard: Yes Integra-sama?  
  
Arucard: Nice bathing suit.  
  
Integral: I-*turns green and throws up*  
  
Arucard: O_o;;;  
  
Integral: *passes out*  
  
Arucard: *catches Integra* Umm...  
  
Arucard: *Carries her inside, and to the infirmary*  
  
Ryo: *appears as some weird faerie thing* Kiss her!  
  
Arucard: BUT....But she just threw up!  
  
Ryo: *wing falls off and the blue-ish light flickers a little* Just do it!  
  
Arucard: Fine....*leans his head down and kisses Integral*  
  
Integral: @_@  
  
Integral: *grabs Ryo and eats her*  
  
Ryo: AAAHH!! I AM BEING EATEN!  
  
Arucard: *pulls Ryo out*  
  
Ryo: My hero! *steals Arucard's hat*  
  
Ryo: *parades around in Arucard's hat*  
  
Arucard: AHHHH! *has tasted Integra's puke and runs away to throw up himself*  
  
Ryo: *sees Arucard throw up* eeeww! *throws up*  
  
Seras: Eeeww! *throws up*  
  
Integral: Eeewww! *throws up*  
  
Alexander: ^_^ *throws up on Incognito*  
  
Incognito: *moan* Puke harder!  
  
Alexander: *pukes harder*  
  
Incognito: ~^.^~  
  
Incognito: *starts puking*  
  
Ryo: *plays frisbee with Arucard's hat with Seras*  
  
Ryo: *sniffs the air* I dost smell something bad! And its not puke!  
  
Ryo: *sniffs a chair*  
  
Ryo: *sniffs her foot*  
  
Ryo: *sniffs Arucard's butt*  
  
Arucard: O_O;;  
  
Ryo: .O Arucard, take a bath! You smell like rotting flesh!  
  
Arucard: ...I do?  
  
Ryo: *nods*  
  
Arucard: Well.....it HAS been about 40 years....  
  
Arucard: *does inside and takes a bath*  
  
Ryo: *throws some rose scented soap through the door at Arucard* Use some of this too!  
  
Arucard: Ok... Ryo: It'll make you smell pretty.^_^  
  
Arucard: I like pretty ^_^  
  
Skywise: *sits on the roof and plays his violin*  
  
Seras: AAAHH!!! ITS THE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF!!  
  
Skywise: Hello! ^_^  
  
Seras: Walter was right! EEEEEEK!*runs inside*  
  
Skywise: Hmm....*shrug* I guess she doesn't like fiddle music...  
  
Maxwell: Integra!*hearts float around his head*  
  
Maxwell: *gives Integra chocolates*  
  
Integral: I HATE YOU!! FUCK OFF AND DIE!!  
  
Skywise: *randomly shows up and plays the Romeo and Juliet love theme*  
  
Integral: *steals Seras' gun and aims it at Maxwell*  
  
Maxwell: Eeeek! I'll bring you a puppy next time!!  
  
Integral: _ *kills Maxwell much*  
  
Skywise: *plays the "shave and a haircut" jingle everyone knows as Maxwell dies*  
  
The thing that you read at the end of a fanfic: I have no idea what the "shave and a haircut" is, but Skywise does, for he plays a violin and I don't. ^_^ Hooray for the chaos the Integral Mask causes! 


End file.
